Lights shining, flashing everywhere
The feeling of love is in the air
You hold out your hand for a slow dance
My hand joins yours, intertwined
My head falls on your shoulder
And you make me wish you were mine
[chorus]
But that can never be me
I can just pretend behind that mask
And I watch your eyes from under your mask
I feel you stare into mine and I feel on edge
Like you can see my every emotion
Into my very soul.
No one has ever made me feel this way
The way you make me feel
Love is like spinning around the merry-go-round
Exhilarating, just hanging on for the ride
I feel out of control, and I wish that you would
Accept me for who I really am behind that mask
[Chorus]
But that can never be me
I can just pretend behind that mask
And I watch your eyes from under your mask
I feel you stare into mine and I feel on edge
Like you can see my every emotion
Into my very soul.
The slow dance starts, my hands around you neck
And your hands are on my waist
Dancing to the music with a harmony and peace
I feel like you are meant for me, that we are one.
When you lean closer and whisper in my ear
That you think that I’m beautiful.
[Chorus]
But that can never be me
I can just pretend behind that mask
And I watch your eyes from under your mask
I feel you stare into mine and I feel on edge
Like you can see my every emotion
Into my very soul.
The song dwindles down and the clock strikes twelve
You bow to the ground and ask for another dance
I explain my time is up and that I have to leave.
You grab my hand but I rip free
And I only leave a slipper on the dance floor
And I slip as quietly as I can out of the door
[Chorus]
Because that can never be me
I can just pretend behind that mask
And I watch your eyes from under your mask
I feel you stare into mine and I feel on edge
Like you can see my every emotion
Into my very soul.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Thanks for entering this in my contest. Now that it's over, I'll review it
Bold: This repetition bothers me. One of them needs to change or get moved around somehow. I understand that both are important to the story line of the lyric. Maybe try something like...
'I can just pretend behind my mask
as I feel you staring through me
even though your face is hidden
I feel as if you can see my every emotion'
By mentioning the mask in that first line, in the next couple of lines by saying his face is hidden too, one can imply that he is wearing a mask as well.
Underline: Mine what? I think it would sound better if you said 'my eyes'.
I really like this stanza, especially that last line.
I really don't like obvious rhyming like this. Try to re-work these to lines so you don't have to rhyme like this.
Rhyme/Rhythm:
The rhyming was pretty good, there weren't too many cases of super overdone rhyming.
I could hear the song in my head pretty well, better in some parts than in others. Some of the lines, I thought, got a little long and kind of lost the rhythm.
Overall:
I thought the overall topic and message was really good and really well executed. This is one of the reasons I picked your song as 2nd. It's a cute song and you've got a really good start to it.
-Carly
Hi!!! I found this very beautiful. I don't have a clue about melody and stuff but the words are well put in!
Keep writing!
I like it. One question: What is the rhythym you are using? I can quite figure out the beat. Not really a comment as much as it is a question but...
Hi Alyss! June here!
Welcome to YWS! How's it for you so far?
I'm really bad at reviewing lyrics, but here I go!
I was able to get a sense of some sort of melody as I read this. I love that you took one of the most common fairytales and wrote a song about it. Really nice job with that.
In some verses, I feel that some of the lines were a little long, to say the least. In songwriting, I think it's important to pay attention to the amount of syllables that you have in each line, because the syllables definitely contribute to the overall sound, meter, rhythm and everything else of the poem. Keep an eye on that, dear.
I think it's great! You did a really nice job writing this. Two thumbs up.
Juniper